How to Create a Relational Boundary
Boundaries are an essential ingredient for nourishing healthy relationships. But if you’re reading this, you likely know that. What’s not always easy to know is how to create a boundary when you know you need one in a relationship. I get it, and I’m here to help.
Keep reading for 3 key steps to help you make a relational boundary.
photo by Jan Canty
STEP ONE: Imagine the emotional difference this boundary will make.
Before you jump headfirst into creating a boundary, take a few minutes to envision the emotional change you desire. Picture how your life will feel once this boundary is in place.
For example, if you’re seeking space from someone demonstrating toxic behavior, imagine how the distance between you will feel. Is it peaceful? Liberating? Restful? What could fill the space that this relationship currently takes up? Are there other relationships, activities, career pursuits, or ideas that can take up more space in your life once your attention is no longer on this relationship?
Spend a few minutes picturing how this new boundary will change your life.
This is why we make a difficult changes. Not because we want to hurt people, but because it’s painful to stay in relationships that prevent us from the lives we want.
STEP TWO: WRITE out the desired BOUNDARY.
After envisioning what this change will bring, it’s time to put pen to paper-or fingers to keys-and articulate the boundary.
Start with the change statement. Here’s one example:
“I will be removing this person’s contact information from my phone.”
Next (and this is critically important) set a deadline.
“I will be removing this person’s contact information from my phone next Friday.”
Finally, add accountability so you’ll have support before and after your change.
“I will be removing this person’s contact information from my phone next Friday. I will be notifying my relative/friend/therapist [insert name here] before and after I take action.”
This second step of articulating the boundary and making a small plan to act on it is a signal to your mind, body, and spirit that a shift is already taking place. After writing out the boundary, take a moment on any emotions rising to the surface about the change (fear, anger, excitement-it all belongs!) and make plan for some self-care afterwards.
STEP THREE: ENACT your DESIRED CHANGE.
So, you’ve done the hard work of imagining the relational change you want and articulating the boundary that will make that change possible. Only one question remains:
Are you ready to take action?
This might be the most important question on this post. All the reflection in the world won’t substitute for the hard work of drawing a boundary. If you knew it would be easy, you would’ve done it already! It’s not. Sending that text, making the call, or blocking a number takes effort, clarity, and support.
But if you’ve followed Steps 1 and 2, you know why you’re doing it. You can already picture the peace, freedom, and safety that comes from making healthy decisions about the relationships in your life.
You also know that you do not have to do it alone. You’ve identified someone you can call who will remind you why this step matters and be there for you once you’ve put the boundary in place.
So, what are you waiting for? A healthier life waits for you on the other side.
I hope these 3 steps give you a little more courage to draw a boundary that will make a difference in your life for years to come. If you know there’s a difficult boundary you need to set but you lack adequate support to see it through, you’re not alone! Therapy can be a great place to find clarity, courage, and accountability. Contact me for a free phone consultation and see if this kind of support can make all the difference for you, too.
